You've entered motherhood. I mean your wedding celebration ceremony revolved around having the girls up front with you, Kurt and Bobby G. talking about the joining of a family. You've known those girls for two years and you love them like you never knew you could.
Here you are, with an instant family. A brand new last name and two new titles. Wife. Mother. The the biggest responsibility you have ever known. You have been entrusted with the life of two girls and you cannot even fathom the roller coaster of emotions that is about to start. Your heart already feels full. How could it possibly love any more? But just you wait, there's a lot more stretching of the heart to be done.
And that heart will stretch in a million directions. Knowing you, you will let it stretch a lot with worry. There will be sleepless nights, and not the kind that involve waking every couple of hours to feed a newborn, but nights where you make yourself sick worrying if you are making good decisions. The joys of motherhood also come with the curse of self-doubt. You've always been sure of yourself, but this new title makes you second guess every decision. Are you doing enough? Are you doing too much? Are you saying the right prayers over them? Are they listening to what you're really saying? Are you leading by example?
Remember that there is no absolute right way. Somedays (in fact, many many days) you will forget this. You will cry yourself to sleep thinking you should have done it another way. You will make yourself sick with worry that your words never sunk in.
Some of your words, your advice, and your prayers won't always be reflected in the actions of your kids. And that's okay. Sometimes the best way to learn something is by making a mistake. Your responsibility is to first, love. And then love some more. When you're upset, love them more. When you're frustrated, love them. When you're angry, love them. When you're happy, love them. And in the times you don't know how you can love, just love them.
And despite that notion that love always wins...it don't always feel that way. You will get blamed. Your actions will be second guessed by many people. But you have to do what you think is best and keep praying. Repeat after me, "pray, make good decisions, pray, do what's best for your family, pray, keep going; pray, make good decisions, pray, do what's best for your family, pray, keep going You will find yourself fighting pointless battles with other mothers about what you should do. STOP! make your decision and then keep going. Nobody is better equipped to make decisions for your and your family more than you and your husband. Work together, pray that God reveals His plan, and then move forward.
You will mess up. And then mess up again. And frankly, that's okay. You will survive. Your girls will survive. Your family will survive. As long as they see your love, things will be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, it's not the end. Learn from your mistakes and then keep going. You will hear yourself give this advice to your daughters, so take it for yourself.
I wish I could tell you that those times of self-doubt are few and far between. Don't let that curse of motherhood steal the joy. Just pray and love, and everything else will follow.
With compassion,
(4+ years of mom experience Erin)
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