Hindsight. What a wonderful gift. But by the time we have it, its too late. The time has passed. As I look back now I smile at the good things: the times I took the road less traveled, the times I went left when the rest of the group went right, the times I was victorious when people said I wouldn't be, and the times I made the hard decisions even when it wasn't popular. But sometimes I feel heavy hearted. In those time I think about the times I wish I would have been honest with myself, at the times I should have walked away but stayed instead, at the times I kept fighting for somebody that wasn't fighting for me, and at the times I lost a piece of myself to somebody who didn't even deserve it.
Live and learn. All of those circumstances shaped me into the person I am today. But oh how I wasted so many tears, so many heartaches and so many sleepless nights worrying, thinking, stressing, and crying about the wrong things. And I see so many people doing the same thing. I see so many young women going through those very same experiences and my heart aches for them. So badly I wish I could tell them, and make them believe that they are enough. They are enough, just the way they are. They are enough, just the way God made them. They are enough. It took me years to learn it though. Even though I heard it, even though my mom (who pretty much knows everything) told me over and over, I still fought it. I struggled to find my identity. I lost myself over and over trying to be what somebody else wanted me to be, what somebody else thought I should be. And what a waste that was. Because all along, the best thing I could be, was me. The only thing I needed to be, was me.
Fortunately I had strong women surrounding me. And even when I didn't listen, they kept telling me. Even now, I keep my tribe small. It is full of women with an unspoken pact of building each other up, of supporting each other, of being honest with each other, encouraging each other, and reminding each other that we are enough.
And as I think about my life, and the stories that I share with my tribe, I see so many of the same trends. Luckily for me and those girls, we had mothers/fathers, sisters/brothers and friends who were able to help us finally see that we were enough.
But I still wonder, what if I had the gift of hindsight then. What if 29 year old Erin could have spoken to that 13 year old girl that was struggling, to that 21 year old girl that thought she knew what love was, to that 23 year old girl who was terrified of failure...what would she have said?
And so it begins, letters to my younger self. Through the gift of hindsight, what I wish I knew then.
