Dear 24 year old Erin,

I see you lying there, in the stillness and dark. You think that because it’s dark that I can’t see the tears streaming down your face. You try to stop them…you hate to cry. But there they go, rushing down your cheeks faster than you can wipe them dry. 

You’re crying because you’re in love. Wait...you're crying because you think you're in love. But I know why you’re crying, and honestly, you know it too…you just won’t believe it. You’re crying because you know what you have to do, but it’s so hard to make that decision.

You contemplate every single excuse, try to make the situation better so that things work out. You try to imagine that things will get better. But in your heart you know that it won’t. You keep hearing your mothers advice but try to block it away. But you know it will come back. Because it came back last month, last week, last night. Your mind and your heart are pulling you two different directions. 

You make a mental checklist of the pros and the cons. And though the cons outweigh the pros (not just in numbers but in their meaning and importance), you still fight it. 

Three years. That’s what you gave. You had guarded your heart until three years earlier. And then when you finally decided to love, you loved as hard as you could. I wish you could see now how much of a good thing that was. But instead all you see is regret. You’re angry that you gave away three years and a part of your heart to somebody who didn’t deserve it. You’re angry that you think you wasted three years of your life. 

And the funny thing is, even though you don’t honestly believe he loves you, he is still trying to convince you to stay. That’s a trap! Stop. Stop overthinking it. Do what your mind knows what it should do. Do what your heart deep down knows what it should do. Don’t let somebody else define you. Don’t let a relationship define you. Don’t think that you should stick it out because you already gave three good years. You know better than that. You know that you are better off alone than in bad company (there goes your mothers advice again…).

At school the next day, somebody told you exactly what I would have told you, “But think about all you learned. You learned what you deserve, you learned what you need, and you learned that you are worth more than how he treats you.” You laughed in between sobs and actually said the words, “I would rather have those three years back than have learned any of those lessons.” But Erin, those lessons are a blessing. 

I wish I could tell you that in 3 years those lessons would come in quite handy. I wish I could tell you that in between that relationship and your next one that your entire view would change. That when you meet your husband you will see what a real relationship looks like, what it feels like. 

And there you are again, the next night, tears streaming down your face again. I can see them. You’re crying because you’re not sure you did the right thing. You broke up with him (trust me, it was the right thing). You’re so unsure of yourself, mainly because you're so upset at wasting those three years and finally being vulnerable enough to give away a piece of your heart. I wish I could tell you that in three years you will see the value of this experience. I wish I could tell you in one year you will laugh at the tears you wasted. Keep wiping those tears away. There is joy ahead. You can’t see it now, but it will be there.

With compassion,

30ish year old Erin